I believe that I am aware and mindful of my situation. I have educated myself on the possibilities of the future of my treatments, damages done by the chemo, the chance of remission/recurrence, etc. but, there are moments where I actually don't think about my fight. There are moments where I feel normal; where my scars don't ache and the pump isn't humming, I enjoy those moments once I realize that I have had a moment without cancer consuming my thoughts.
The first treatment has gone okay, I have experienced the first bite syndrome which was painful. But Michael, the chemo educator, told me to try hotter foods first. It really helped. The tingling in my hands came and went throughout the day yesterday. Other than that, I felt pretty good. A bit of nausea when I hadn't eaten in a while nor taken the anti nausea mediation.
I enjoyed talking to joy when I went to work today. It was actually pretty entertaining to see people be pretty surprised to see me at work. Pat Lintner came in while I was talking to joy and said he was really surprised to see me walking yesterday on my first day of chemo. He said he almost ran into the wall in the curve draining his neck to see if it was really me. Wayne hit the nail on the head. He said, "you are making a statement." I was making a statement to other people as well as myself. I won't let this get me down. People have told me a million times that attitude makes the biggest difference. I truly believe that.
I don't feel that I am just saying that I have a positive outlook. I really feel it.
After the tingling started, I was pretty discouraged. Since they say the symptoms will be cumulative. But, I am not throwing up. I have little nausea and worked almost a whole day yesterday. So, I think I am pretty good!
On Thursday, I put a picture of my port on fb. The weird thing is when I see it now, it makes me feel very strange. Even though my shoulder pain is a constant reminder that I have a port buried under my skin, I still don't always remember that I am taking chemo. Sometimes I look at that picture and I am proud. I survived a very tough day with a lot of pain. I was willing to give Gina a one shot deal to get my port accessed. On the other hand, I sometimes look at that picture and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't believe it is from the pain of that day. It is a punch in the gut with a dose of chemicals & reality.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Reality Check
Before we can go forward, we need to look back. Way back. They believe I have Lynch Syndrome (being confirmed at Duke University) a form of hereditary colon cancer which was one of the many things my surgeon said on our second meeting that I had never heard of before.
This whole journey started at my general physician's office. I call her my horse doctor. She tells me like it is whether I am ready to hear it or not. On this day, it was supposed to be just a follow up on some medication changes. When I first got there, the receptionist handed me a health checklist to update. I hesitated to add that I had blood in my stool for the last 4-6 weeks (miracle #1). Even though, I have had two children...therefore, I have hemorrhoids, I recorded the blood anyway. As my doctor went over ALL of the info on that sheet, she ordered another x-ray of my foot (bone spurs), asked in depth questions about how my hip is doing (bursitis & tendinitis) and then she froze. She turned at me and peered over her reading glasses with her steel blue eyes. "Does your family have a history of colon cancer?" She froze waiting for my response. I froze and was speechless. I had read a bit online about some of the things that could be causing the blood in my stool. Since it was bright red, it was almost certainly there because of the reason above, not cancer. But, it was still hard to hear a doctor say those words.
A family history! HA! My dad's family has struggled with just about every cancer on the planet. I have watched wonder family and friends struggle with the diagnosis and treatment of this invader. But, I am young. Only 42, there is no way I have colon cancer! But, after I made a call to my mom and then to my dad, I realized this might be more serious than I first thought. There is colon cancer on both sides. Grandmother, uncles - too close to ignore.
My Dr. immediately scheduled me for a colonoscopy the next Tuesday (Miracle #2). I was bummed because that meant I had to leave the conference that is one of my highlights of my year at VA Beach to be back in time for the procedure.
Most people say they don't remember anything. Well, even though I am a non-violent person....I swatted a nurse. The surgeon came out and told me that they found a polyp and removed it and found another spot he was concerned about because he could not lift it up to see what was behind it. Since I was so feisty in the procedure, he was unable to finish and was scheduled for a barium study (hate the word enema!) to make sure the right side of the colon was clear. He said the tumor was small and hard. He was thinking he would want to take it out.
This whole journey started at my general physician's office. I call her my horse doctor. She tells me like it is whether I am ready to hear it or not. On this day, it was supposed to be just a follow up on some medication changes. When I first got there, the receptionist handed me a health checklist to update. I hesitated to add that I had blood in my stool for the last 4-6 weeks (miracle #1). Even though, I have had two children...therefore, I have hemorrhoids, I recorded the blood anyway. As my doctor went over ALL of the info on that sheet, she ordered another x-ray of my foot (bone spurs), asked in depth questions about how my hip is doing (bursitis & tendinitis) and then she froze. She turned at me and peered over her reading glasses with her steel blue eyes. "Does your family have a history of colon cancer?" She froze waiting for my response. I froze and was speechless. I had read a bit online about some of the things that could be causing the blood in my stool. Since it was bright red, it was almost certainly there because of the reason above, not cancer. But, it was still hard to hear a doctor say those words.
A family history! HA! My dad's family has struggled with just about every cancer on the planet. I have watched wonder family and friends struggle with the diagnosis and treatment of this invader. But, I am young. Only 42, there is no way I have colon cancer! But, after I made a call to my mom and then to my dad, I realized this might be more serious than I first thought. There is colon cancer on both sides. Grandmother, uncles - too close to ignore.
My Dr. immediately scheduled me for a colonoscopy the next Tuesday (Miracle #2). I was bummed because that meant I had to leave the conference that is one of my highlights of my year at VA Beach to be back in time for the procedure.
Most people say they don't remember anything. Well, even though I am a non-violent person....I swatted a nurse. The surgeon came out and told me that they found a polyp and removed it and found another spot he was concerned about because he could not lift it up to see what was behind it. Since I was so feisty in the procedure, he was unable to finish and was scheduled for a barium study (hate the word enema!) to make sure the right side of the colon was clear. He said the tumor was small and hard. He was thinking he would want to take it out.
Emotions
Everyone says you are being so positive.
What am I supposed to be doing?
I have 2 beautiful boys and an unbelievably awesome husband (I don't say that lightly). There is no anger here. I haven't felt that yet. Maybe it will come or maybe not.
Anger doesn't = strength.
I don't want my children to remember me by barking orders at them. I want them to remember me playing tag.
No, I don't plan on leaving this Earth any time soon! But, when faced with the big C, it does give you a different perspective.
So many people around me have died from this terrible disease. It is difficult to not be a little afraid of the outcome.
Day 1. It is all relative
This journey has been full of blessings. I bounced back from the surgery quicker than everyone thought I would. Every c/t scan was clear. Waking up yesterday from the port "install", I felt great! Sore but felt great all day. Have had a bit more anxiety this last week. Still feeling confident & positive.
Last night I slept well. For most people that isn't a problem, but for me, I don't sleep well when I am not stressed. So this had been a bit difficult to shut down my brain at night.
It's morning, I felt pretty good, just anxious. When we got to the cancer center, we parked in the cancer center spaces, it was another reality check. I saw Meg who was in Jr. women's club with me years ago. Here at augusta health, she is the breast navigator who helps people going through breast cancer. she went through breast cancer while we were in Jr. Women's Club. She asked was I was doing here. She gave me a hug and said they would take good care of me.
As we waited in the lobby, I gave David his Valentine's Day card. I get emotional more when I think about David and the boys than I do at any other time.
Once we got back to the back. We waited a few minutes for Dr. Palmer to put in the order.
Next, they what'd to press and poke around my chest to find the port. It wasn't pleasant but wasn't horrible. There were three nurses in here commenting on the swelling and wondering why Dr. Carmichael didn't leave the port accessed. They sterilized the port area & themselves. The, it started. For the next 20 minutes or more, they tried 3 different needles, pressed down hard and poked me. One nurse (later Nina would become one of my stabilities & angels of this process) gave me her hand to squeeze which really did help. Every time they said no or I can't get it, it was like someone punched me in the stomach. It wasn't the pain that was getting to me. Don't get me wrong it didn't feel good, but pain these days is all relative. Mentally I was bruised and battered. Just couldn't take the thought of not starting today. Just couldn't take the thought of them telling me I had to wait.
doing an iv for chemo.
I have always thought I was a pretty good judge of character (maybe a little on niaeve, but pretty good nonetheless). I proved that right today. The first nurse was meek but seemed nice enough but not confident. The next one was positive, seemed to know her stuff and knew the tricks to help me through the first poke. The third nurse that came in. Was overconfident and a bit bossy to the nurse that obviously knew what she was doing. She told the others that she was going to give it a try. She wasn't great about the little comforts while she dug around in my sore spot. After the third needle and 5th attempt of accessing the port, they decided they would put in an IV. The same overconfident nurse started trying to get a vein which was really hard after all the surgery and procedures I have had done in the last 2 months. So that wasn't going to be pretty! Dr. Palmer stopped by to say it would be okay if they waited until Monday to start. I really did not want to wait.
After collecting myself emotionally, I was ready to try one more time.....not three, but one more time.
....after they put the iv in a whole new team of nurses came in to look at the port. These ladies, one of which had spoken to me on the phone forever when I called just with a few casual questions. Gina had a few great sayings. One was....this is your first time going through this, but we have done this a lot. The second was....we are going to be close family whether you want us to or not. She has a great cadence to her words and a soft, yet confident voice. But the best part was the she had a twinkle in her eyes. The other two ladies that also poked around a bit were of the same demeanor and quality. I knew I could trust them to try it. I told them once not more. It went in and Gina flushed it out. SUCH a relief! I immediately felt better! Emotionally & physically I just felt great! Ahhhhh! We are on our way! I can visualize the drugs duck hunting for the cancer cells!
The rest of the chemo time was spent chatting with Wayne & Bethany scheming about how we were going to torture the first group of nurses! David and I had tomato soup, salad, apples for lunch. Drank 32 oz. of water. 1can do diet coke to get through the 1st attempt at accessing the port.
Finished the big "o" drug by 2:00. I started magnesium and calcium then the push of 5fu......the best named chemo drug ever!!! Well, I finally got out of there by 4:15. It was nice to get home and have the boys rush to see us.
At home I am really having to work hard to not touch cold things. I have never been good about starting and sticking with new routines, but I think I better get this one down or it won't be pretty!m
Last night I slept well. For most people that isn't a problem, but for me, I don't sleep well when I am not stressed. So this had been a bit difficult to shut down my brain at night.
It's morning, I felt pretty good, just anxious. When we got to the cancer center, we parked in the cancer center spaces, it was another reality check. I saw Meg who was in Jr. women's club with me years ago. Here at augusta health, she is the breast navigator who helps people going through breast cancer. she went through breast cancer while we were in Jr. Women's Club. She asked was I was doing here. She gave me a hug and said they would take good care of me.
As we waited in the lobby, I gave David his Valentine's Day card. I get emotional more when I think about David and the boys than I do at any other time.
Once we got back to the back. We waited a few minutes for Dr. Palmer to put in the order.
Next, they what'd to press and poke around my chest to find the port. It wasn't pleasant but wasn't horrible. There were three nurses in here commenting on the swelling and wondering why Dr. Carmichael didn't leave the port accessed. They sterilized the port area & themselves. The, it started. For the next 20 minutes or more, they tried 3 different needles, pressed down hard and poked me. One nurse (later Nina would become one of my stabilities & angels of this process) gave me her hand to squeeze which really did help. Every time they said no or I can't get it, it was like someone punched me in the stomach. It wasn't the pain that was getting to me. Don't get me wrong it didn't feel good, but pain these days is all relative. Mentally I was bruised and battered. Just couldn't take the thought of not starting today. Just couldn't take the thought of them telling me I had to wait.
doing an iv for chemo.
I have always thought I was a pretty good judge of character (maybe a little on niaeve, but pretty good nonetheless). I proved that right today. The first nurse was meek but seemed nice enough but not confident. The next one was positive, seemed to know her stuff and knew the tricks to help me through the first poke. The third nurse that came in. Was overconfident and a bit bossy to the nurse that obviously knew what she was doing. She told the others that she was going to give it a try. She wasn't great about the little comforts while she dug around in my sore spot. After the third needle and 5th attempt of accessing the port, they decided they would put in an IV. The same overconfident nurse started trying to get a vein which was really hard after all the surgery and procedures I have had done in the last 2 months. So that wasn't going to be pretty! Dr. Palmer stopped by to say it would be okay if they waited until Monday to start. I really did not want to wait.
After collecting myself emotionally, I was ready to try one more time.....not three, but one more time.
....after they put the iv in a whole new team of nurses came in to look at the port. These ladies, one of which had spoken to me on the phone forever when I called just with a few casual questions. Gina had a few great sayings. One was....this is your first time going through this, but we have done this a lot. The second was....we are going to be close family whether you want us to or not. She has a great cadence to her words and a soft, yet confident voice. But the best part was the she had a twinkle in her eyes. The other two ladies that also poked around a bit were of the same demeanor and quality. I knew I could trust them to try it. I told them once not more. It went in and Gina flushed it out. SUCH a relief! I immediately felt better! Emotionally & physically I just felt great! Ahhhhh! We are on our way! I can visualize the drugs duck hunting for the cancer cells!
The rest of the chemo time was spent chatting with Wayne & Bethany scheming about how we were going to torture the first group of nurses! David and I had tomato soup, salad, apples for lunch. Drank 32 oz. of water. 1can do diet coke to get through the 1st attempt at accessing the port.
Finished the big "o" drug by 2:00. I started magnesium and calcium then the push of 5fu......the best named chemo drug ever!!! Well, I finally got out of there by 4:15. It was nice to get home and have the boys rush to see us.
At home I am really having to work hard to not touch cold things. I have never been good about starting and sticking with new routines, but I think I better get this one down or it won't be pretty!m
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)